The First Word Blog

It was November 1994. Sitting at the junction I listened to the gentle purr of the VW Golf’s engine and I felt a deep sense of calm. Traffic was light and the next car that passed was also a VW the same colour as mine. Something registered in another part of my brain about this car. I noticed the driver first and as I looked at him we recognised each other and then I saw you. It is an image etched in my mind as you were wearing that long black coat that your father had given you. You had complained it smelled of mothballs. Had your father bought it for your mother? You looked pale your expression fixed as if you were in pain. I could not tell if you had seen me or not.

For a few seconds I could not move as every thought I had was frozen in that instant. Until that point I could tell myself that you were just away visiting your aunt, your brother or even your dad. I had been living in a fantasy world where you were there really but always just around the corner, at the supermarket,  in the bath, or the kitchen. I could tell myself that and feel ok but not any longer. There he was sitting where I had always sat before with his hands firmly on the steering wheel of my car driving away with you beside him. He not only had you but he had our dreams and everything we had worked for too. I knew with agonising finality, as I eventually lost sight of the car, that the last sliver of hope I had been clinging to with, it has to be said, increasing desperation had disappeared forever.

I cannot say what route I took after our all too brief encounter but I found myself on the motorway with my foot firmly on the accelerator. I didn’t notice anyone else on the road. I am usually a very restrained and careful driver but now all I wanted to do was to drive very fast feel something other than this numbness. As the car reached its top speed a tiniest flicker of a thought crossed my mind that I had only to turn the wheel a little to connect with a concrete bridge support then my life would almost certainly be extinguished and with it all the intense emotional pain I felt. I could visualise the impact and the crushing weight as that beautifully over engineered engine was forced into the space currently occupied by my body and g-forces dealt a death blow to my cerebral cortex. Fortunately, I was travelling so fast at this point that I was already under the bridge by the time these thoughts had been considered and instead of surrendering to it my body appeared to be acting independently in automatic self-preservation mode as I felt it easing my foot off the accelerator and releasing the muscular tension in my shoulders. I suddenly felt better than I had done for days and turned off the motorway at the next exit and headed for home clearly flooded with endorphins but knowing that however bad I had felt it was never that bad.

As I finally parked outside my home I knew that the crisis had passed. From that moment on I felt a lot more in control of my life and I finally felt free to live my life the way I wanted to again. It was my life again and this time I was in the driver seat going where I wanted to go.