The Cleaners

 

All I remember was that I was at a party and had had a lot of everything that was on offer and was pretty dazed and probably bumping into people and furniture and saying ’sorry’ a great deal to no one in particular and ‘I’m sure I came with that tall woman from London’ and such like. 

Some woman I hadn’t seen before or since started pointing a finger at me and saying ‘there he is’ and before I knew what was going on someone had grabbed me in a stranglehold and two guys were taking it in turns to hit me as hard as they could.  What might have been something sharp was waved in my face.  I was in no fit state to fight back and the last thing I heard was the woman shouting ‘there he is leave that one it was him over there.’  I remember falling forward and someone turned the lights out.

I don’t know how I got there but I awoke naked with my head rammed behind a toilet I wasn’t sure whether they were mine or someone else’s but I was covered in a rich cocktail of human waste and blood.  I had no idea what had happened to me whilst I was unconscious.  The next thing that happened was that the door opened and a woman came in dressed in white with golden hair.  It was like a vision.  I thought perhaps I was somewhere else and then she spoke and it was the sweetest sound I had ever heard.

‘Oh your sleeping in here.  Don’t look. I need to go’

She dropped her knickers pulled up her skirt and her perfectly white rear end descended rapidly towards my face.  Everything went dark.  I was relieved as I heard the sound of her pee in the toilet.  I tried not to look but I couldn’t really help it.  After she had finished she turned to me.

‘I told you not to look.’ She tried to give me a stern look but failed miserably as she began to laugh.  ‘What the hell are you doing behind the toilet? Haven’t you got anything better to be doing you daft whatsit?’

‘Sorry.’ I said somewhat forlornly and utterly unconvincingly. ‘Seriously is there any chance of helping me out of here.  I just need a bit of a hand to get up.  I’m not sure if i can make it.  I can’t feel my legs’

‘You must be joking if you think I’m going to touch you before you get cleaned up.  You do realise you are covered in ****.  Hold on I’ll get some help.’

About ten minutes later three women arrived, including the woman I had already met clad in overalls and industrial strength rubber gloves.  Two grabbed me, none too gently, and carried me to the bathroom next door.  I could hear the other one cleaning the toilet.

‘Who are you people?’ I asked bewildered.

‘We’re the cleaners and that’s all you need to know really. It looks as if you had an eventful night.’

‘Yeah some party-a real blast.’

‘Looks like you had a bit too much of a bad time.’ She turned to the other woman.  ’It’s alright Sandra I’ll deal with him you go and give Sue a hand downstairs.’

She took hold of the shower attachment and sprayed me with scalding hot water then scrubbed me with what I suspect was a toilet brush.  I just let her do it after all she was a cleaning professional.  She was very thorough and scrubbed me pretty hard with some kind of industrial soap.  Slowly the life seemed to return to my body and, with an enormous feeling of relief, I began to feel my fingers and toes again.

‘There you are all nice and clean.’ She looked at me with a smile or perhaps it was a look of professional pride. ‘We’ll have to find you something to wear.’

‘Thanks a lot for this.’ I felt terrible.

‘All part of the service.’

There was no sign of the rest of my clothes and after the cleaners had finished their work they offered to drop me off near my apartment.  Some time later I was curled up in the back of a van on a pile of old overalls wearing an old pair of trousers and my own  jacket -fortunately my keys and wallet were still in the pocket.  The sound of the engine and the scent of cleaning supplies soon lulled me into an uneasy sleep.  Eventually I was aware we had stopped and the side of the van slid back framing the three women standing there in golden light.

‘Rise and shine sleeping beauty.’  They chimed together.

‘Yes, well thanks very much for your help.’ I stammered.

As I emerged stiffly from the back of the van  into brilliant sunlight I realised I was close to where I lived.  They got back in the van without a word and drove off and seeming to melt into the traffic and disappear.  On the back of the van in large gold letters  ’Angel Cleaning Services’.  I smiled and just wondered if it might be true.